You know how you hold off on using the restroom when you start drinking because once you “go” you’ll have to “go” five hundred times an hour for the rest of the night? That’s kind of whats happening with my brain now that I’ve started writing stuff out again. I spent years without being able to pick a subject, focus on it, and write out my thoughts. It’s been a perpetual state of writer’s block for several years now. Though, now, I can’t turn it off. I’m not upset about it, it’s just feast or famine ya know? So anyway…
Usually, when I am thinking about what to write, it comes from a personal experience or struggle. That’s why I write the way I do. I think of my writing as more of a conversation than anything else….even if I’m only talking to myself (and I do an awful lot of that). one of the goals of my writing is trying to give people a glimpse of what it’s like to suffer from mental illness (in my case PTSD, depression and anxiety) and how it impacts even simple daily activities. Today, I have four of five things just burning a hole in my mind that I want to express, yet, I am having a tremendous amount of difficulty sitting down to write anything because I can’t stay focused on a topic and stay on track. So even a simple blog post becomes this giant looming thing, and in order to stay a little sane, I may need to abandon my ideas for today and move on to another task.
It always feels like avoidance when I do that, so that’s why I am sitting here writing about not writing. I made a commitment to myself to write (daily is the goal), so rather than just abandon it and spend the day beating myself up about not meeting my own expectations/goals (and therefore getting nothing else done because I’m perseverating on missing my own goal for the day), I am compromising – write about the struggle because that’s the issue at hand. It’s a constant tug-of-war between forcing yourself to take action and taking the time to give yourself space to process and make good decisions.
Everyone does this balancing act every day. We make plans, prioritize, alter, avoid, adjust. We have the things we HAVE to do, then we have our choices. I tend to have issues when I have too many choices and not enough “have to’s” – I value structure because left on my own for too long, I’m just Moses wandering the desert looking for a spot to squat. The military was an excellent career choice for me in this respect and I genuinely miss just knowing where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be doing on any given day. Creating that structure for myself is difficult, but that is exactly what I am trying to do.
Basically, It’s Monday morning and I don’t want to go to work because I have a bunch of other stuff dominating my mind. I guess I am just trying to make this blog my “have to” but part of that is the choices I have in what to write – so getting a handle on organizing and prioritizing all that may take a little bit to work out. So I have complete liberty in what I want to write about, with a self-imposed schedule that forces me to sit and focus for even a moment. I gotta go to work today, but I’ll be damned if I have to be all that productive. Just like ‘normal’ people.