Weapons Grade Doubt

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I am the master of self sabotage. If you want to learn how to talk yourself out of absolutely anything… I am a pro. I’ve had a hard time the last few days. I am forcing myself to write this as an exercise in self-discipline, not because I think anyone gives a shit about what I am saying here (or anywhere else). I enjoy this, but it is also a little taxing at times because it is personal…and when life isn’t going the way I think it should go, it makes keeping things positive or useful difficult.

You see I’ll write about anything, but the only thing I spend time with everyday is me. I’ve tried making friends. I’m really not good at it. Alcohol was great in that respect, and it’s probably why I mastered the art of the drunk early on. I don’t even know how sober people make friends. It’s a common thing with people in recovery because most of us have to absolutely shun our ‘previous’ lives and start over. This sober person is a stranger to me and pretty much anything I do is a new experience. It should be exciting, but when you are alone its rather terrifying. Everything is a huge risk. Everything. So mostly my life consists of waking up in the morning and finding ways to entertain myself or finding ways to complete tasks. This blog is one of the “entertaining myself” things.

I have no idea what I am doing right now, or why I am doing it. I am grasping at straws hoping I find a way to survive this life. I have things I enjoy, I have nothing that I am particularly good at to throw myself into, and I have the usual poor people barriers to truly getting out there and just exploring (money, transportation, lack of other humans). I have a ton of shit I need to do in order to move forward, but I lack the motivation to do them. I fall into this rut of not caring for myself because I feel like it simply doesn’t matter. That’s depression. I know that voice, and so now the all consuming task is to beat it back.

Its hard when it only my voice encouraging me through all this self-doubt and depression. I say to myself, “Go do the fucking blog at least”…. “It’s a bullshit waste of time” I lovingly respond to myself. Like this writing thing is hard for me because it is something I truly want to do, but there are a million ‘writers’ out there. This is a dream, and what I should be doing is … something else. Something that makes my life better or moves it forward. Something that makes me feel good about myself. Writing could be those things, but I’m at the limit if my skill set here. I am not a real ‘go getter’ because I lack the ability to sell myself. I mean, I have to value myself and my work in order for other people to value it (this is applicable to jobs, friendships, and self-starter projects, the things I have to accomplish) – and I just don’t have that (yet). I can read all the information about how to become the writer I want to be – but I seriously lack the motivation and self-esteem it takes to act on the things I’ve learned.

As my therapist says, “It’s a practice, you just have to practice.” So, I’m gonna just keep practicing until I can make music… right now though I’m hitting a lot of sour notes and I just have to remind myself that it’s a part of the process – its a part of venturing out and taking those risks. Its a side effect of vulnerability. I remind myself that I think and act differently than before. I remind myself that I am the Phoenix and I have already died once – what can be built from ashes? Absolutely anything.

The goal is to use this blog to just write everyday, and hope that I can get to that space where I am writing things people enjoy and want to read. Hopefully, in between posts like this, will be the posts I actually want to write and hopefully someday there will be more of those than these. For now though, I met my writing goal for today, and for that I can be proud of myself.

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